This week and half of the last, I felt the most miserable I'd ever been in months in just a span of 12 x 5 hours, in a weird staccato dynamic. I devastated over myself being the character I boxed myself up in. Up to the time I was ugly crying in the shower, this afternoon... listening to TV Girl's 'French Exit'. On my boyfriend's fucking Spotify account. Now I just think it was so stupid, but for what's probably a better reason than most reasons I think something is stupid. I'm not sure, there's just something strange inside my body that provoked me to even write it down available for the web-- on a domain not my own. I just think it's important for myself, personally.
It feels very strange but I feel like there's something stranger to come and finally render my feelings, an anniversarial ribbon to spiral around my vision and finally hit me right in the eye. All for the purpose to finally push me and my '[not]-in[secure] naiveties' out into the world. I am a jealous person, and I get truly jealous of people who have only found their first footing in this world; because I hate being viewed as young. I get really jealous of people I should be cheering on, and I get annoyed over those who preach their findings and processes; though there's always be a hint of sweetness from myself-- based on my inner feelings and how I'd never lash out at their ridiculousness... because I've always wished I can be that certain and secure. I shouldn't be miserable like this, because I don't have to be. It is really that simple of a revelation -- and yet it is a winding spiral on the way down to even just take it in like that. That's how difficult yet simple wisdom is. It can come in the form of the twentieth page of a self-help book, or a simple idea that just tackles you down when you can't expect it.
Something I am jealous about is how seamlessly one could change: to become more love-able (in the sense of being the giver and recipient), to become more confident, to be someone they never were once described as before. I'm so jealous of those who can become special. When I was a child I wanted to be special, described as the word special. I wanted to truly be the brightest star you can see, that kind of special. But I've always been dettered from that sort of image. I was that strange thing who didn't want to become ordinary, even with how unordinary I already was. 'Ang pabidang bata' those sort of children had to be ridiculed until they were humble. I had to be unconsciously jealous of the people around me who grew wings before my eyes. Well, my point is, I still didn't have to be. I still have that 'pabida'inside me-- and now I have to take that up a notch even if it brings me unreasonable shame. It's cheesy, because of coursesomeone as young as I am would ever come to this.
This is my last idea I'd like to express for the day, because it feels like in this really weird span of my life-- things are being taken away from me just to grow what is left, and then put back once what is left is developed in some reasonable way. I'll think of an analogy, think of a really weird organ transplant situation where you are ridden with ill kidneys. Your right is better than your left, because the right kidney wouldnt halt taking the nutritious piss away from your left. Therefore, they take away your better right kidney, to give your left kidney some function to play without help. Once your left kidney takes in the sufficient piss it needs, then you're getting your right kidney back. This is not medically sound nor accurate.
-AR